let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
