My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
