Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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