I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
