I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
