What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
