dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!