You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
