I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
