why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
