you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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