I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
