Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
