I wish my penis had an off switch
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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