Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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