he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
