you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
