When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
