Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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