My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
