just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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