Can i not drive my cunt home
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
as a side note pls kill me
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
