My sheets look like a crime scene.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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