To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
