Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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