Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
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On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
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I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just gargled with NyQuil
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