Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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