i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
