This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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