We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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