I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
