ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
