Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
