don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
