fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
