My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
