I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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