i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
