she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Pooping to opera.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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