I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
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