glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
