I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
