just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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