when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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