I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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