Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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