The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
