I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
