That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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