I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
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I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
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The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
how does that bad decision feel?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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