What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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