look no pants
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I supernannyed him into submission
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
