She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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