I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Someone came in the potted fern
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
