I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
