Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
