with your own penis?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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